


A million pieces

by annebenedicte



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 09:10:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16870159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annebenedicte/pseuds/annebenedicte
Summary: What happens after that night in the on-call room ...





	1. Chapter 1

« Serena – there’s a position going – trauma surgeon in ICU at Holby. I’ve …given my notice in Nairobi. I’m coming home.”

Serena was lost for words – she reached out and the two women embraced. There was, however, an elephant in the room, watching them with sad eyes.

They had no time to go home after all – or at least Serena had no time – they didn’t even get one hour alone before Serena was required for an RTC accident – two victims on the scene, one casualty brought to the hospital. The icy roads that night seemed to have conspired to keep the two lovers from bed.

Bernie decided she might as well go back to the on-call room, catch a little sleep in case Serena managed to get a little time off during the day. She had always been able to fall asleep almost immediately when she was younger – medical school and the army had drilled that into her – but this time sleep eluded her completely. She couldn’t quite believe what she had done – she, who wouldn’t be called spontaneous by her best friends – had given up the job of her life for Holby. And for the love of her life, she corrected herself. For Serena. She had been so stupid – she should never have stayed incommunicado for so long – of course Serena was mad at her. What was it with her and her need for childish surprises? Was it the Kenyan sun? Already in June, although it had ended well, she had arrived like a bull in a china shop, and this time …This time, she was sure she hadn’t misread the expression on Serena’s face – definitively not one of pleasure. She shouldn’t have interfered with the operation either – for goodness’ sake, she would have been livid if Serena had done the same in her trauma unit. She would have to grovel – she would do anything – even that blasted reading for Jason’s wedding. She had to make things better. It was the beginning of the rest of her life – their lives.  Instead of counting sheep, she began to list in her head everything she would have to do before returning to England for good.

 

Just before going in to scrub in, Serena stopped in the loo and sat in one of the cubicles, head in her hands. What was she going to do now? Surely Bernie knew something was amiss – and if not …she would find out. When two people knew a secret…it didn’t remain a secret for long. Leah was …young …unpredictable …a loose cannon ...a very pretty, very seductive loose cannon, and …very …limber too. Serena blushed as she remembered the previous night in the narrow bed… And then she groaned – she had to get Leah out of her fevered head! Bernie was here – Bernie was staying – for her. She couldn’t tell her – she would have to live with that sword of Damocles over her head, but she couldn’t face her lover and tell her she had betrayed her. She groaned and brushed away the tears that made their appearance all too often these days.

When she came face to face with Leah after a gruesome four hours in theatre, Serena decided she would just have to explain once again to the young woman that nothing could ever happen between them – ever again.

“Dr. Faulkner? Could I speak to you for a moment again please?”

“Certainly, Ms. Campbell – all yours!”

Serena blushed furiously and beckoned to the corridor leading to the on-call rooms, usually deserted at that hour of the day.

“Leah – I’m sorry I’m repeating myself but …You do understand – I … I made a mistake – a huge mistake.”

“It’s all right, Serena – I told you before. It was a most enjoyable mistake, though …last night was…”

“Last night was pure lust, Dr. Faulkner – I don’t know what came over me! I’m not …I’m not like that.”

That may not be quite true, actually – she had had a number of such enjoyable nights with male conquests before – but since Bernie …no, it wasn’t who she was anymore – except for that one night.

“Don’t worry, Ms Campbell – I’m not the kiss and tell kind of person. And anyway – I don’t really want people to think I’ve slept my way up, do I?”

On that parting remark, Leah dropped a light kiss on Serena’s mouth and turned away. As Serena leant against the wall, the door of the on-call room slammed shut.

 

Bernie reeled and sat down heavily – Serena …and the new F1 – the new F1 she claimed to know next to nothing about. It couldn’t be true …Not now …And yet she knew – she had known from the first second she had set eyes on her lover. Something had changed. Something was wrong – everything was wrong. Why had she even though there could be a happy ending for them? She was too damaged for a relationship – surely no one could love her. After all …Everybody had left her – that had to mean something. But she wouldn’t prolong the agony. Better end it now – get it over with – and then …after the wedding …maybe she would try to gather the millions pieces of her shattered heart, and lick her wounds. Or maybe she would find another, more …final solution. After all, no one really needed her anymore.

She  couldn’t hide in there forever – might as well give the mortal blow to this relationship sooner than later – there would be time for tears later. She took a deep breath and left the room.

Even though she could see Serena was inside, she knocked on the office door. The expression on Serena’s face told her everything she needed to know, even if she hadn’t overheard the conversation.

“Can we talk?”

Serena gestured to the sofa: “You don’t normally ask, darling? Yes, it seems we have five minutes – what’s up? Not changed your mind about the speech, have you?”

Serena was well aware that her tone was more cheerful than it ought to be – even to her own ears, she sounded fake, but the pressure of guilt almost strangled her. She glanced quickly in Bernie’s eyes, but the brown eyes were indecipherable. Serena reached for Bernie’s hand but Bernie took a step back, going to stand against the filing cabinet.

“No …not about the speech, no. I couldn’t disappoint Jason. It wouldn’t be fair …would it? It’s about what I told you last night – the position here.”

“Yes? That’s great news – like you said – that’s what we both wanted.”

“Hmm …anyway – now that I’ve time to think …I’ve decided not to take it after all. I won’t go back to Nairobi – I threw my chances there, obviously but …I’ll find something else.”

“But …I don’t …I don’t understand. Bernie, why?”

Very gently, Bernie came to sit on the desk and took Serena’s hands in hers. She tried to take a deep breath, failed, and planted her eyes in Serena’s: “I think you know …I’m sorry, Serena – I thought it could work – you were the one who asked me to wait …but you didn’t, did you? And …I can’t accept that. I can’t share you. I’m sorry, darling – I want all of you, and if I can’t have that …I’m sorry.”

Releasing Serena’s hands, Bernie flew from the office.

Left alone, Serena once more buried her head in her hands. If only she hadn’t been such an idiot – and such a coward. If she had told Bernie, maybe Bernie would have forgiven her…But now…

When Jason popped his head through the door, reminding her they were due in the chapel in an hour, she was trying to repair the damage the tears had caused to her make-up.

“Auntie Serena? Have you given her copy of the speech to Auntie Bernie? I can’t find her.”

“Yes – Yes, I have, Jason.”

“Ok – then could you hurry a little? You said you were going to change.”

“Yes – yes, I’m going to. Go …go back to Greta, love, I’ll be there soon.”

And Bernie will probably already be a few hundred miles away …She couldn’t quite believe her eyes when she saw her slip in the chapel at the very beginning of the ceremony. As Reverend Dunblane began the service, she tried to catch Bernie’s eyes, but the latter studiously looked away. When the time came for her reading, Bernie walked down to the pulpit, straight-backed and she even managed a smile for Jason and Greta. Another one when she read the words Jason and Greta had chosen for her to say:

“You know when, sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later, they’re as dull as a brick? Then there’s other people, and you meet them and you think, ‘Not bad; they’re okay.’ And then you get to know them, and their face sort of becomes them, like their personality is written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful.

Ahh! The wedding! That's right, you're getting married! That's it! Best day of your life, walking down the aisle... Oh, your body's a battleground, there's a chemical war inside! Adrenaline, acetylcholine, wham go the endorphins! You're cooking! Yeah! You're like a walking oven, a press cooker, a microwave, all churning away; the buttons reach boiling point and shazzam..”

As she added for the audience that of course everyone had recognised words from the famous series Dr. Who, she threw a sad look at Serena before going on: “I’ll just add another quote, if I may, from the same Doctor: "When you're a kid, they tell you it's all... grow up. Get a job. Get married. Get a house. Have a kid, and that's it. But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It's so much darker. And so much madder. And so much better."

Then she walked away and sat back down in the back. The Reverend concluded the ceremony with the usual words and asked the assembly to pray for the newly-weds. Then, as she was giving the final blessings, she paused and added: “Each wedding has its own hurdles – I will leave the words of the Lord with you : Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:13-14)”

As the participants filed out, Bernie remained seated, closing her eyes, almost rooted to the spot. She flinched when a hand touched her shoulder. Serena knelt before her and seized her hands; “Bernie – I don’t deserve it – I don’t deserve you. But …I love you – I only love you. Could you …would you …I’m …so sorry …that whole thing … I…”

When Bernie opened her eyes, they were filled with tears: “I …I don’t know what to say. I love you too – I love you so much it hurts – but I don’t know if I can trust you anymore. Everyone make mistakes, but …this is more than a mistake.”

Serena extended a tentative hand and wiped the tears on Bernie’s cheek with her finger. “Please …just …please….”

“Much darker – much madder – much better …It’s plenty dark enough right now. I – I can’t tell you now, Serena. Just …give me time. You asked me to wait …now I’m asking you to wait.”

Bernie deposited a soft, feathery kiss on Serena’s brow and left the chapel.


	2. Chapter 2

Bernie had planned on spending the end of the year in England, and she was stuck there – now she was virtually unemployed – and homeless, since she couldn’t exactly stay in Serena’s house, she didn’t want to spend even more money on changing her tickets. For a day or two, she wandered mindlessly around Holby, avoiding the hospital and drinking huge amounts of coffee. She had brought a few small presents for the hospital staff, Jason, Greta and the baby – and Serena, of course, but … However, she decided she might as well buy one for Charlotte, as she did every Christmas. She couldn’t remember the last time they’d spent Christmas together… Charlotte had been supposed to come to Serena’s the last time, but…

It had been excruciating… Begun rather well though. Eleanor had spent Christmas Eve at her father’s, and Bernie’s children were with Marcus, and so they’d been together, neither of them on call for once. Jason had left them alone, as he was playing WOW on his computer in his room for the whole evening. They had spent a cosy evening at her home, with plenty of shiraz, canapés and Belgian chocolate cake... Both quite exhausted from the hectic AAU schedule, they’d fallen asleep on the couch in front of Dr Who. As Bernie had remarked on the next day, they must have drunk more than they’d thought, because not even the screams of the brain-swapping aliens had kept them awake…Christmas day, however, was nightmarish. She had never been a big fan of Christmas – when she was a little girl, they had gone to her grandparents’, who had all the warmth of Victorian undertakers. They could not understand that a child couldn’t be expected to sit at a table for four hours, without talking – because children should be seen and not heard. The food had been stodgy, and there was no getting out of eating her sprouts – hateful things. And when she was a little older, she’d decided to become a vegetarian, and that did not go well either …She usually got useful presents, like socks or home-knit pullovers, for which she was supposed to write thank you letters.  
When her kids had been young, they’d spent it with Marcus’ parents, who’d always managed to make her feel inadequate. If she’d contributed to the meal, Marcus’ mother would say something like: “Very nice, dear, if a little over/under cooked – but of course your dear mother did not have time to teach you to cook, the poor thing.” When she’d stopped contributing, her mother-in-law had changed her tune to : “I’m exhausted, but I so like to provide a nice meal for Christmas – of course I understand you didn’t have time to help, but…” The kids had gorged on sweets and cake, and usually ended up the day sick. She had then spent two Christmases on mission, one in Iraq and one in Afghanistan, and she’d felt more comfortable there !   
And so, in spite of themselves, they had great expectations for that Christmas –they wanted to have a lovely time and to. Everything had gone well in the morning – they’d both cooked a little, and dished out ready-made food too – they had had no intention of slaving in the kitchen. The presents for the kids were waiting under the tree. They’d already exchanged their gifts to one another, as they were a little too intimate for public disclosure … At noon, Eleanor had arrived, with a book for Jason, a poinsettia for her mother “because she already had everything anyways”, and nothing for Bernie. And then she’d proceeded to ignore her pointedly. She had not been pleased to know they were waiting for Bernie’s children to sit down to lunch. Cameron had arrived a quarter of an hour afterwards, alone – he’d mumbled that Charlotte had drunk too much on the previous night, and that she was feeling nauseous and not up to Christmas lunch. As he’d never been a good liar, an inquisitive stern look from Bernie got him to confess that Charlotte had said there was no bloody way she would spend Christmas at her “mother’s whore” house. Bernie had gulped – she’d been terribly hurt – but she’d smiled and said that this way, there would be more pudding for everyone else. Cameron had done his best to keep the conversation going over the table, but his efforts soon petered out and apart from Jason, no one was really feeling festive anymore. Eleanor had sat there, toying with her food and answering Serena and Bernie’s attempts at small talk by monosyllables. The meal had been mostly silent, Serena simmering over her daughter’s rudeness and Bernie feeling as if once again, she’d been the one to spoil everything.   
Right after lunch, Eleanor had jumped up and said she was going back to her father’s, as she had mates to see, and Cameron had followed her soon afterwards, pretexting he had to do some studying for exams. Eleanor had accepted her mother’s present – a nice cashmere jumper – but had pointedly left the bracelet Bernie had bought for her under the tree, still in its wrapping. Jason had gone back to his room and his game, and Bernie had sunk on a chair at the table, head in her hands. Not even the double scotch she and Serena had drunk could salvage the fiasco…

However, every year, she bought a gift for her daughter – this year, she chose a russet-coloured jumper, to go with the brown eyes so similar to her own. And like every year, she sent it to Marcus, asking him to forward it to Charlotte. She had no idea her daughter got the gifts or not – she never got any thank you. She bought a gift for Cameron, too – she had planned on seeing him – well, she had planned for a big family reunion at Serena’s, since Cameron was coming back to work at the hospital, but …Maybe they could have dinner together, just the two of them. The last time they’d talked, Cameron was leaning towards specialising in neurology, so she bought him a book by Oliver Sacks – maybe not very original, but in her present state of mind, her brain refused to think about anything…anything other than …Serena, of course.

She was beginning to think she would go mad from inaction when her phone rang – thinking it was Serena again, she was going to ignore it, but a glance at the screen showed her it came from an old unexpected source – Henrik Hanssen. Like always, the  phone conversations with Mr. Hanssen were short and to the point – there was a shortage of consultant surgeons in AAU, the Advent period was busy as usual, could she lend a hand… When she hung up, she wondered what she had agreed to. She had been eager to jump in theatre with Serena on the day of her arrival, but this was a wholly different kettle of fish…She told herself she was doing it for Henrik – for Fletch and Donna, too, who must be rushed off their feet – for herself, because being idle wasn’t part of her – it had never been part of her- not when she’d been a civilian doctor, not in the army …and not now. At least it would keep her from thinking.

Before coming in, she puffed nervously her way through three cigarettes in the hospital’s car park – to think she had given it up again in Nairobi, knowing Serena didn’t like her smoking …but desperate times called for desperate measures. Then, she took a deep breath and walked in. Her heart constricted when she saw Serena – it was obvious that neither women had slept well for a few days, if any at all. Bernie remembered the first time she’d come to lend a hand in AAU – before …before anything had happened, although of course she had already noticed Serena. She steeled herself – it couldn’t be worse than when she’d operated with Marcus. The parallels tugged at her conscience – he had been the wronged party then …and she remembered him tell her that he’d always thought something might have happened when she was away…Too many temptations…

“Serena”

“Bernie” – a little breathless, a mute appeal in the eyes.

“Where do you want me?”

Serena resisted the urge to answer; “In my bed, in my home, with me forever.” She didn’t feel very flippant, actually. The arrival of a casualty prevented her from answering anything, as Bernie turned towards the arriving stretcher: “What have we got?”

“Seventy-years old female, hit by a car. Conscious at the scene but we lost her once in the ambulance. Pulse 45, …”

“On it! Serena – I need an assistant.”

Serena glanced around, but all the F1s were busy, except … “I’ll come with you, Bernie – there’s no one else right now.”

“No – no, you can’t – we can’t both be in theatre and leave the ward with no consultant. Just …I’ll…”

Bernie glanced round – it was true, the younger medics were all busy. When the doors opened again, Bernie’s heart sank, but she had no choice: “Dr …Dr Faulkner, isn’t it? Are you busy? No? With me, then – scrub in.”

In the field, there was no time to think – no time for personal grievances – it shouldn’t be any different here. The most important thing was to save the patient. Bernie hadn’t even looked at the woman who was now lying on one of the beds, still unconscious. As she pumped antiseptic lotion on her hands, she lifted her eyes towards the patient and groaned. That poor woman – as if she hadn’t been through enough already. An aortic valve replacement, the loss of her husband Brian in a drunk-driving accident and now this? God was certainly doing a terrible job in looking after His servant. She had to do better – she had to save Lexi Dunblane – hopefully Leah was as good a doctor as a seducer… She gritted her teeth and uttered the necessary list of blood tests before sending Lexi to theatre.

Three hours later, Bernie took off her bloody gloves and with a nod and a “Can you close up, please, Dr. Faulkner? Good job in there.”

Even though the idea of the young blonde and Serena in bed sent waves of nausea up her throat, she had to admit the F1 knew what she was doing. And to be fair …she couldn’t blame Dr. Faulkner for everything. She wanted to …oh, God …she wanted to, but that wouldn’t be fair. It always took two to tango…

When she arrived back in the ward, Bernie looked even more exhausted than before – the huge circles under her eyes had darkened and her skin appeared almost translucid. Serena tried to catch her eyes but the blonde refused to meet them. “I’m going to get coffee – if anything happens with Lexi, I’ll be outside.”

Serena nodded miserably – there was nothing she could do – she would go down on her knees again and beg if it made any differences, but she knew it wouldn’t. She wanted to explain, to talk …She knew she had no excuses…She had thought and thought about her behaviour during the early morning hours, lying in the dark, unable to fall asleep. She wanted to blame it on her hormones, all out of kilter – but that wouldn’t be quite honest. The truth was that …Leah had made her feel wanted. Desired. For several months now she had been feeling …old…Lonely. Instead of giving her a new lease on life, Guinevere’s birth had only reactivated the pain of losing Eleanor. She was realising that Jason and Greta were building their own little family and needed her less than she had expected. When she looked at herself in the mirror, she could see new lines, new bulges around her waist…she could see herself growing old. Alone – with a lover thousand of miles away, who wasn’t the best communicator. Who had tried very hard to express her feelings better along the months, but who was still reserved and not very prone to compliments. Leah had just …Been the catalyst – and the reaction. She knew she didn’t deserve Bernie but if she could just have one more chance…


	3. Chapter 3

 

Alone in her stark hotel room, Bernie wondered how long she could keep going like that. When she was in the hospital, in theatre, talking to her colleagues, she just about managed to hold it together. She drew strength from the warmth of their welcome, and she could almost imagine nothing had changed. However, when she came back to the hotel at the end of her shift, she felt utter darkness engulf her, unable to do anything other than stay curled up in the dark and think of what might have been …what she could have done …what she had to decide. Keeping busy kept her from that darkness. She had had periods like that when she was younger, when she was married. On those days, Charlotte and Cameron had learnt not to bother her, but Marcus had always tried to get her to “snap out of it” – wrong …Wrong choice, wrong path, wrong life. And now …now she had to decide whether she could forgive – never forget, but could she trust Serena again – trust her with her future? If she didn’t – if she left again, forever…she would lose everything – she would never be able to set foot in Holby again – never be able to see her colleagues again, it would be too painful. And she would lose Jason – that thought hurt.

Lexi was getting better – she had been very lucky, none of the major organs except her liver had been impaired in the accident, and Bernie had managed to patch it up. Her keen eyes didn’t miss anything…especially not anything about Serena, for whom she’d always had a soft spot, and Bernie, the stalwart major who tried her best to hide her torments. Those two had earned the right to be happy. And yet, from what Donna had told her, that happiness was getting further and further out of reach. Not that Donna was one for gossip …but one thing about being a priest was that people tended to confide in her. As Lexi observed the two consultants in the ward, both of them stuck in their own torment, she wished she could do something. She knew Serena was stubborn, and she could well imagine the Major matched the brunette  in that department. Short of banging their heads together …something she didn’t feel quite up to doing just yet…Maybe she could at least try to talk to them.

“Ms. Wolfe? May I have a word?”

Bernie stifled a sigh – she wasn’t in the mood for a sermon. She had guessed the Reverend wanted to talk about Serena and she didn’t want to hear it. However, the rules of civility demanded that she at least listened, and she sat on a chair near Lexi’s bed, nodding for her to go on. The older woman sent a brief prayer to the One Above, to ask for guidance, and begun.

“Ms Wolfe”

“Bernie, please.”

“Bernie. I don’t want to pry, but …I’ve – I know what’s going on. I would tell you that God forgives everything and …” Holding up her hand to stop Bernie from interrupting, she went on: “And you’ll tell me you’re not God, you can’t forgive that easily, you’ve had your heart broken…”

“My heart, my trust…” muttered Bernie bitterly.

“Yes …So I’m not going to talk about God – I’m going to talk about Kintsugi.”

“Sorry?” Bernie stared at her uncomprehendingly.

“Kintsugi - It’s a Japanese art – they take broken potteries and repair them with a golden lacquer, making them even more beautiful in the process.  A relationship where trust has been broken can be made whole again – and even stronger than before.”

Bernie remained silent for a few minutes. “Thank you”, she murmured before fleeing to the locker room. She sat down on the bench and put her head in her hands. On that bench, she had come to collect herself before going to tell Serena her daughter was on the brink of death. On that bench, she had kissed Alex, just before Alex refused her another chance. She had thought she would never get over it then – the pain of losing her all over again had been almost unbearable. Could she do the same to Serena? Serena’s betrayal had poured hot lava in her guts, had torn her to shreds – was she really going to retaliate? Or would she give them another chance?  Anyway, prolonging the waiting was only prolonging the agony. She had to decide.

She strode to the office, her heart beating wildy – was this another mistake?

Serena lifted hopeful eyes towards her – seeing Bernie’s grim expression, her heart sank. So it was all over.

Bernie sat down – on the chair, for once and stared at Serena across the desk.

“Kintsugi.”

“Excuse me? Is that Swahili for liver?”

“Ask Reverend Dunblane – no, it’s not. It’s Japanese, apparently. And …”

“And?”

Bernie got up and came to sit on the sofa, extending her arms towards Serena. Serena stared and without a word she sank into the waiting arms. Cupping Bernie’s chin with her hand, she brushed away a messy strand of blonde hair, twirling it in her fingers. She turned her face towards hers and replaced the strand of hair by a kiss, and another, and another, butterfly kisses until she reached the lips and settled on them. She felt Bernie stiffen and then relax, her lips seeking hers, pressing against them, melting into them. Bernie’s head fell on Serena’s shoulder and she sighed – time to sew the pieces of her heart back together, to complete the jigsaw of their relationship – the outer edges were back in place, now to fill in the centre with love again.


End file.
